So, let’s wax poetic a moment.
I’m at the end of the road. And it’s actually the beginning. Not that way like something has ended and therefore something else is now starting in its place but literally…okay fuck this, I don’t feel like making it all pretty even though I generally do with words.
WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS…I ended up not working out/walking on Thursday. I have been fighting chronic fatigue desperately this past week and since my son was with my dad I meant to read after sleeping in but ended up falling asleep on top of Little Women (…haaa).
Then yesterday I just forgot. I meant to but by the time I was like “okay I want to go walking” it was getting to be bedtime and was a lot colder with the sun down.
TODAY…I got the dogs leashed up…got my son in his coat and shoes. And I decided I didn’t want to just go to the end of the sidewalk (which doesn’t reach to the end of the road, I don’t know, don’t ask me I just live here) but that I wanted to go all the way to the corner. Now, it’s really not a big deal. But I really have to think about how many spoons (for those of you unfamiliar with Spoon Theory, Click Here) I have for the whole walk – not just how far I can GO but how far I can walk BACK. So I err on the side of caution. Because for me, pain doesn’t mean that perseverance or the desire to get better is whispering “just push a little harder, just get through it, you’ll get better/faster/stronger”. For me, pain is my body sternly saying “We NEED to stop soon. I can likely get you through the rest of the day with the ability to function and get around but if you push this, if you go harder, I will shut you down in bed.”
So there’s that asshole. Obviously today I felt pretty good, considering. I have been having nausea and the fatigue is still strong. But we walked all the way to the end. And made it back. I had to stop and rest for about 10 seconds, twice. My son asked what was wrong and I old him I was hurting. That sweet boy said “okay, we get you home mommy.” I hope that maybe just MAYBE these small advancements that don’t strain me much WILL get my muscles growing. I am well aware of the fine line between exercising that is beneficial to someone with lupus/fibro/back issues and exercising that will leave a person with chronic illness in the midst of a flare + a serious increase in pain for days, maybe weeks. But damn I want to kick ass and look awesome doing it.
I now plan on doing a few reps of exercises for ab, arms, glute, legs. Just enough to feel it but not really sweat it out. I’ll do that tomorrow. Then I will take a bath and read more of Little Women.
What I’m Reading:
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott – due back at the library Tuesday so I’m going to try not to have to renew it
Throne of Glass by Sarah J Maas – this is turning out to be soooo good despite a bit of awkward writing at the beginning when the characters interact; that kind of added to the story in a way, though
**I was reading 168 Hours: You Have More More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam but honestly, it dawned on me…let’s be honest, with my “conditions” I’m never going to know for sure, one day to the next, which hours of the 24 in a day will be spent doing what. Sometimes I wake up and think I’m dead because my eyes open easily and I’m not stiff as a board, ha. Other days…you can guess. BUT I am interested in logging my days and trying to create a sort of schedule/routine that doesn’t go based on time of day but amount of time spent doing something. I generally have a few good hours, they just might start later in the day.
Alright, I’ll do whatever this is again later. Don’t let the bastards get ya down, people.