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I know people mean well by this but it’s…it feels like a trick question. Same with “are you still in pain/are you having pain right now?”
I’m in pain every day. Maybe not bad, maybe I feel good, but I’m sore 99% of my waking hours. Right now I have the usual stiffness that comes in the morning/early afternoon and I also have this really annoying pain in my shoulder/shoulder blade/upper right arm that’s actually REALLY STARTING TO ANNOY ME, STAHP IT MUSCLES!

One thing I don’t do, however, is answer with “I’m fine” when I’m not actually fine. Even before my illness I usually chose something at least a bit more personal and indicative of whatever state my mood and life were in. Part of it is my inability to lie, even if it’s just a little white lie or what have you. The other part – INTJ personality – sees it as completely useless and illogical to tell someone I am fine when I am not. If I’m not fine I will tell you. I will do my best to not be a downer about it; but if I lie and pretend I’m fine that only makes me feel like I need to exert myself more and it frustrates others when they think I’m doing okay but then I can’t take them up on a social offer or a favor. I do understand why other spoonies do say it regardless, though. And that’s okay. It’s their right.

But alas…”are you feeling better?”

I wish. I may have my good days. I may appreciate them more than a healthy person would. But feeling better…even if I do feel physically better one day more than the previous day, I am still cautious and wary of my next flare, bout of nausea, joint aches, muscle stiffness, etc. etc. etc.

The last few weeks have been harder than usual for me, mentally. I find myself trying to fathom and imagine a life without pain. Thinking about how this isn’t normal. Normal 23 y/o are not in pain even half the time I am. It’s not necessarily making me slip into depression, but it’s definitely not helping either. It’s very similar to when I try to fathom the Universe before the big bang…obviously there wasn’t one…but I try to imagine how all the components came into existence…or I try to imagine how a “creator” came to be. And I just can’t. It’s like a loop of constant mind screwing.

So, no, I am not feeling better, per se. But I am feeling up to pushing my limits.2b5cea12cfd30e6d6e610e9c214a4b73(Chronic Illness Cat is the best – go like them on Facebook)